Looking to Hook Up this Spring Break?  Avoid the Clubs

Some of you college boys may have seen places like Mansion and Set on TV and, seeing the endless parade of 9s and 10s in there, said to yourselves,  “Man, we GOTTA go to Miami for Spring Break.” But those girls, those girls are sirens. Those girls are there to call you in with their $2000 outfits and their $8000 chests, only to watch you crash and burn to the tune of a $250 bar tab. Meanwhile, they find the sucker with the bottle, drink as much of his free alcohol as they can, and go home with whatever girls they came with. Or possibly the club’s owner. Those girls are eye candy, gents, brought in there (for free, mind you) by promoters to lure in unsuspecting guys like YOU. Who think they have a snowballs’ chance in Hell. 

NO MATTER WHAT THAT PROMOTER TELLS YOU, THERE’S NO SEX IN THE VIP ROOM

The truth is, if you want to go to nice clubs, then go there. But if you want to get laid, avoid them like the plague. If you are here for Spring Break and trying to run through as many condoms as you can in 5 days, the names “Louis,” “Mynt” and” LIV” should not even be in your vocabulary. You want girls that will actually talk to you past “Is that you bottle?” Stick to the bars. Stick to Clevelander and Playwright. Stick to Waxy O’Conners and Automatic Slims. These are bars for normal Americans here on Spring Break. And your odds are exponentially better.

First off, you can actually have a conversation in these places, as opposed to a club where your voice will be gone by midnight just asking for drinks. Second, the girls in bars like I mentioned rarely have the attitude of hot club girls. They aren’t having money and alcohol and drugs thrown at them for free every time they go out, and may actually talk to you without you having to buy them a drink that cost more than your hotel room. And lastly, you won’t be competing with the throngs of rich old guys and Euro/South American douchebags who buy bottles in clubs. And if you’re an average Spring Breaking guy, this is good news for you.

ANYTHING IS EASY WHEN YOU’VE BEEN DOING IT FOR A DECADE

Some may say that girls in clubs are accessible. You just know how to talk to them. And, yes, if you are a long time veteran of Miami Beach nightlife and have learned how to deal with said chicks, then yes, I suppose it might not be that difficult. But my guess is Johnny Spring Breaker from Frozen State U hasn’t experienced too much nightlife that doesn’t include $2 pitchers of Natty Light. So talking to a solid 9 who’s been drinking free Goose all night may not be the easiest thing in the world.

So gents, before you decide where to spend your Spring Break evenings in Miami, ask yourself a question:

Am I here to go to nice clubs? Or am I here to get laid?

Sadly, in South Beach, the two are pretty much mutually exclusive.

Related Categories: Miami: Local News, About the Author: Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411. See more articles by Matt Meltzer. See more articles by Matt Meltzer Was This Post Helpful? Please Share It With Others! Tweet

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"Looking to Hook Up this Spring Break?  Avoid the Clubs"

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