Backstage at Miss Miami 2007

It had been a few years since I had been immersed, if only for a day, in the world of Miss America. I had run a few pageants many years ago and judged a few as well, but last Sunday night marked my return to the South Florida pageant scene after a four-year hiatus. A couple of chance meetings and the fact that I apparently work out at the same gym as every Miss Florida since 1985, led me to the Historic Lyric Theater in Overtown and the 2007 Miss Miami Scholarship Pageant. I was to be the emcee of this evening’s festivities, and I was excited to be making a comeback in the pageant world.

This year there were not one but two crowns being handed out, as by the end of the evening reigning Miss Florida (and Miss Miami) Allison Kreiger would crown not only Miss Miami but also Miss Sun Coast. Both would go on to compete in St. Petersburg for the title of Miss Florida this summer and then on to Miss America. When I arrived, the contestants were finishing up their private interviews with the judges’ panel, a segment of the competition not seen but those who attend the pageant but still one that counts for one-quarter of their score. As I sat down to enjoy some of the complimentary Chicken Chop provided by former UM Basketball Cult Hero Jerry Schlie (for whom I was mistaken at one point. And anyone who has ever seen me play basketball knows that backstage at a pageant is the ONLY place anyone would mistake me for Jerry Schlie) and his restaurant Pyro Grill, the judges came in to enjoy some lunch as well. I was told to move to the corner.

Every local pageant ever produced has this exact panel of judges. There is the post-50 southern woman with impeccable hair and makeup, a local pageant director, a gay guy, a recently retired state title holder, and one miscellaneous person who nobody can understand why they are there. Typically a friend of the pageant director. When I judged, I was in the last category. I am not sure if the good people at Miss America put this in the franchise agreement, but I’ll be damned if every single pageant I have ever been a part of did not have this same demographic make up. And Miss Miami was no exception. I listened to them humorously rehash the interview segment, and then proceeded outside to watch talent rehearsals.

As I waited in walked my co-host for the evening, Miss Florida 2006 Allison Kreiger. I immediately informed her that since she had not returned my phone call inquiring as to what she was going to wear, any lack of coordination of our wardrobe would be solely her fault. And the audience would be made aware of this fact. For some reason, I don’t think she took me seriously. So we sat back and watched talent practice runs until it was time for the dress rehearsal.

Much like the judges panel, Miss America requires each local pageant to have certain people in their contestant pool: The Pageant Hopper, who competes in every local pageant in the state as a vehicle to make it to the State level. There is also the cool girl who you wonder why she’s even there. Nice girls, no doubt, but if there is one place it is absolutely acceptable to be high-maintenance and girly, it is backstage at a pageant. These girls rarely ever place. Then, in a lot local pageants, there is the girl you know is going to win. Like the whole pageant is merely a formality to crown her and everyone else is more or less competing for prize money and experience. I knew who it was as soon as I walked in (unfairly, I had met her two years ago at a pageant in Las Vegas and she had held this title before) and I wondered if the rest of the contestants knew it too. Fortunately, director Kelly Gaudet was handing out two crowns this night, so there was at least a little suspense still left in the air.

And so dress rehearsals ended at 4 and the pageant started at 6. A fact that was not made known to me by anyone. The theater, while Historic and perfect for this event, is not exactly in an area where you can go wander over to the local Barnes and Noble and browse to kill some time. When one of the contestants from out of town asked me where there was a Starbucks nearby I told her, “Sweetheart, this OVERTOWN. There’s not a Starbucks for about 4 miles. If you need a pick-me-up, though, you can probably go across the street and find something pretty quick.” I don’t think she got it.

Finally the pageant began and I was for some reason really nervous. I had done all sorts of performing in High School and never once got stage fright, but for some reason tonight I couldn’t seem to get my words out fast enough. And then, after about 3 minutes of speeding through the introductions, I introduced Allison as she came out. And immediately it got easier. Since she does this about once a week, she was very relaxed and joked with me a little, and by the third time we came out we had a witty banter going and the jokes were flying. I was unable to call her North Florida Trailer Trash as I had in the rehearsals, but this was probably a good thing as her parents were sitting in the fourth row.

At one point I went backstage as Allison was introducing some troupe of child dancers called “Dance Attack” (who featured, among other things, a three foot chair shaped like a leopard-print high-heel) and came fact to face with 15 pretty girls in bathing suits. And full makeup. And High Heels. There is only one other place on earth this sort of attire is commonplace, but usually the girls are a little trashier and walk away as soon as you explain you are out of money. I almost made a comment to this effect, but instead opted to tell them all how incredible they looked and walked back onstage. My next trip back, I sat down on a beverage cooler and one girl came downstairs screaming “God, my butt—glue is going down too far.” No matter how many pageants I do, there are certain things I just never get used to hearing. Allison tried to explain some of the taping and gluing to me, but I asked her not ruin the illusion for me. I don’t spend time in the dressing room I really don’t know, nor do I want to.

The talent portion was next, or so I was told as I could not see anything from the non-existent wings of the Historic Lyric Theater. At one point I was backstage and heard someone singing the Sarah McLaughlin song “Angel,” one of my personal favorites. And she sounded amazing, like just like Sarah herself. I told my co-host “My God, this girl is incredible! Who is this? There is no way she doesn’t win.” It was at this point Allison informed me that this particular contestant was doing dance as her talent, and the beautiful voice I heard over the loudspeaker was, in fact, Sarah McLaughlin. On tape. Well, I must say, that had Sarah decided to go the pageant route instead of the path she took, she would probably have been very successful.

Intermission began as my co-host changed into her formal gown she wore at Miss America. Miraculously, the light-colored suit I had brought matched it perfectly and we looked completely coordinated. Even though Miss too-good-to-return-phone-calls-Florida had failed to inform me of her wardrobe selection, my extensive suit collection managed to save the day. To open the second half I introduced about 15 local title holders who were in attendance that evening. As I’ve said, nearly all of them were very personable, intelligent girls that given different circumstances I would have probably tried to ask out. This is the big difference between Miss America and Miss USA: In order to win in Miss America you have to be intelligent and charming and talented as well as attractive. Miss USA they go more on looks, which I suppose is okay but it also breeds the embarrassments they suffered this year. At any rate, at one point during the evening I was backstage with about 30 of the most attractive girls in Florida, and considered myself very lucky.

The pageant continued on to Evening Wear, where each contestant was asked a question formulated by the panel of judges. Some answers were very political, some completely vapid, and some were downright funny. Like the girl who, when asked a question about women in abusive relationships, ended her response with “Get rid of that loser. You don’t need him!” Others just looked confused and gave the answers they thought the judges wanted to hear. But a little secret to anyone who ever wants to compete: The answer the judge wants to hear is the one that you believe. In other words speak from your heart and you will get a higher score. It doesn’t matter if we agree or disagree, if you believe your answer you will do well. We are not trying to crown a politician.

And so the final moment came when we got to crown the new Miss Miami and Miss Sun Coast. The girls came back onstage and Allison stood behind them with two crowns ready to apply. I began by announcing Miss Congeniality (aka Miss not-going-to-win) which was actually the only part of the whole pageant I messed up when I accidentally announced the interview winner instead. I was corrected, announced the swimsuit and talent winners, and then on to the runners-up. When I got to the first runner up, I looked at the audience and said “Folks, this is my first time emceeing, so you are going to have to indulge me because I’ve always wanted to say this…If for any reason Miss Miami or Miss Sun Coast are unable to fulfill their duties, our first runner-up will assume the title and be crowned the new Miss Miami or Miss Sun Coast. And our first runner-up for this year is……”

And then it was time to announce the winner. This is always my favorite moment of any pageant as you can almost feel the tension in the air and read it on the forced smiles of the contestants. It is suspense at its finest, and I was reveling in having the whole room focused on me, hanging on my every word to see whose names would cross my lips. And remember that girl I told you everyone knew was going to win? For some reason I forgot to announce her first. Since everyone in the room knew her victory was a foregone conclusion, that is really how I should have done it, but instead I first announced the new Miss Miami, Tara Szczepanski. She looked surprised and thrilled, almost crying, but I think anyone who does a Polynesian drum dance and makes her own Native Costume (a talent in and of itself) shouldn’t be too shocked when they beat out 13 other girls. And then I announced Miss Sun Coast, Danielle Mortimer.

Danielle, unlike Tara, was not surprised. She smiled, walked out, and got her crown, but the look on her face said “Okay, well, now that I’ve got this out of the way what dance am I doing for Miss Florida?” Danielle is born and raised in the County of Dade, so she is hardly a pageant-hopper, but someone on her level of talent and personality can win locals at will. So this victory did not come as a surprise for her, and I think she, along with most everyone else involved with the pageant, probably would have been surprised had she not been crowned. After all, she was Miss Miami 2005.

At the end, I ceded attention to the winners, went back to my dressing room, packed up my other suit and got ready to leave. As I walked out, I saw a lot of the girls who had not placed and I forgot how awkward it always is talking to them afterward. Like what do you say “Go get ‘em next time?” Girls don’t want to hear that. They want to hear that the judges are idiots and that they deserved to win. Of course, half the time I am one of those idiots so there isn’t much to say. Sometimes the parents come up to you and ask what their kid can do better, but you just have to smile and say “I can’t really say. There were just other girls who were better.” A lot nicer response than “Develop a sense of tone.” But all in all my return to pageants was one of the best nights of 2007 so far. I met up with Miss Florida president Mary Sullivan, who was like a second mom to me my last 2 years in college, and she told me she wanted me to do some work for her at Miss Florida this year. And that me an Allison looked really good together. If it’s anything like Miss Miami, I think you can safely say I will be reporting back to you from St. Petersburg the last week of June.

Related Links: • Miss Miami • Miss Florida • Miss America • Allison Kreiger • Miss Miami Pageant Comes to Overtown Related Categories: About the Author: Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411. See more articles by Matt Meltzer. See more articles by Matt Meltzer Was This Post Helpful? Please Share It With Others! Tweet

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