Spring Break Cruise Day 2: Soldiers & Swingers

Continued from Spring Break Cruise Day 1: Pigs & Strawberries.

The problem with some of these islands you go visit is that unlike Miami they do not have giant international harbors that multiple cruise ships can just pull up to and hang out. Many, as a matter of fact, make the boats drop anchor off the island and ferry people in by shuttle boat. Such was the case this first morning as we awoke, pre-dawn, to catch a boat to Grand Cayman.

STORMING THE BEACHES OF GRAND CAYMAN

Now why, you may ask, were we forced to head to the beach before the sun was up? Well, when you have 7 cruise ships anchored off your island, and only a handful of ferry boats for all of them, you have to bring people in waves. And, lucky us, we were in the first wave. And whether it’s a shore excursion to Grand Cayman or storming the beaches of Normandy, it is never good, my friends, to be in the first wave.

There is nothing like stumbling up, still drunk and not quite sure where you are, packing a beach bag, and heading out in the pitch black to a boat run by a guy who looks like he used to have this same job for some sort of Colombian Cartel. We were herded on to this boat, packed in asses-to-elbows, with other seemingly hungover and disheveled people, as the cold wind hit us like a slap in the face. We realized that the sun was not yet up, and as such the March air a little too chilly to be in our board shorts and tank tops. Never good to be shivering on Spring Break.

The boat started up and the cold wind intensified. It was like we were on some sort of World War 2 troop carrier, packed in tight and headed to the shore and the freezing wind continued to beat us down. 20 minutes later we pulled up to a rickety dock near the beach, in front of a snorkel shack that didn’t open for another three hours. This was going to be the most outstanding beach day ever. We sat on the cold sand and waited for the sun to come up, not really talking to anyone because, like us, all they wanted to do was go back to sleep.

And while the sun did eventually rise, and we got to spend the better part of the morning on the beach, none of the bars or restaurants opened until 11. Which would have been fine, but our return boat to the cruise ship was at 2. So just as we were getting into the swing of things, we had to go back to the rickety dock, re-board our troop transport, and go back to the ship. Where we got to stand on the pool deck and listen to “Yellow Bird” about 12 times as we watched everyone else partying it up on Grand Cayman.

“Looks like they’re having a lot of fun,” my friend told me as he leaned over the rail with fruity drink in hand.

“Sure does,” I said as I took a shot from my Zephyrhills bottle. “Sure does.”

I THINK THE SWINGERS’ CRUSIE LEFT FROM PORT F

That night we again sat at dinner, and again had large groups of people thinking we were gay, and again I spent the entire “formal night” staring at the mother of three with the expensive chest. I may have looked up to eat my steak, but for the most part silicone was what was on the menu.

We later adjourned to the club (this particular boat didn’t spend the night in any one port so the cruise club was a hot spot) and as I was talking to a group of girls from a school I don’t recall, the silicone mom caught my eye from a few feet away. We held eye contact for a minute (somehow I managed to evade the gaze of her chest) so I walked over and said hello.

“I saw how blatantly you were staring at my tits at dinner,” she said to me. I smiled. After a few drinks I wasn’t really embarrassed by this. “You like them?” she said as she brought herself uncomfortably close to me.

“Of course,” I told her. She began to gyrate a little and before you know it I was dancing with her. And by dancing, of course, I mean the rhythmic dry humping that can only go on in a club playing 3 year-old hip hop. I looked up to see her husband standing on the side of the dance floor watching us. He seemed highly entertained. I began to think that maybe they had boarded the wrong ship and that somewhere the “Miami Velvet” cruise had an empty stateroom.

“Does your husband get mad when you do this?” I asked her. I pretty much knew the answer before I’d even opened my mouth, though.

“He loves it,” she told me, thrusting her tongue out when she made her “L” sound. Again I laughed and excused myself to check in with her husband and see where this was going to go. The guy was a lot friendlier than you’d think he would be to a guy that was just grinding on his wife.

EVEN PORN FAMILIES NEED A VACATION

“Hey, I’m Larry,” he told me. “We’re form Indianapolis.” Uh-huh. For some reason I had just assumed South Florida, given our burgeoning Swingers scene here. I introduced myself and asked him what he did for a living.

“We’re in the adult entertainment business,” he told me. Again, I had no idea that northern Indiana was a bustling porn hub. But I guess you learn something new every day. “We make a lot of money, high six-figures, so we figured we’d take the kids on a nice cruise.” How adorable. I didn’t ask too much into what Larry and Mrs. Larry did, exactly, in the porn business, but I had to guess his wife’s sexual aggression was not a coincidence. But despite our whole conversation, the phrase “So you wanna come back to our room so I can watch you have sex with my wife,” never came up. I’m guessing the kiddies might have been a little confused. So with that, I left the Indy porn king and his wife, and moved on to some non-swingers closer to my age.

I returned to the group of girls with whom I had been previously talking and one, who had obviously had a few drinks while I was off trying to make a debut in porn, grabbed me and starting dancing in a manner that would have made Mrs. Larry blush. I looked behind her and my friend had started grinding on her as well. I knew I owed him one from the night before, and having just removed myself from another potential group-sex situation, I decided to hand this one off to my boy. I turned her around, put the two of them together, and went to talk to a different group of girls. I didn’t see my friend the rest of the night, but when I got back to my room the girl was in there passed out wrapped up in a sheet. Good. Now we’re even.

That was day 2. Stay tuned next week for day 3.

Related Links: • Spring Break Cruise Day 1: Pigs & Strawberries Related Categories: Miami: Travel News, About the Author: Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411. See more articles by Matt Meltzer. See more articles by Matt Meltzer Was This Post Helpful? Please Share It With Others! Tweet

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