A Culinary Guide to Springfield, USA (The Simpsons)

Lest we be so quick to judge Homer Simpson.

Admittedly, the dude is fat. But so is Paul Prudhomme, and you don’t see people mocking his eating behaviors with T-Shirts that say “Mmmmm……Praline crème brulee” now do you?

That’s because we all assume Homer, like most Abdominally-Endowed-Americans, eats like crap. But have you ever had the opportunity to delve into the Springfield culinary scene?

No. No you have not.

Passing judgment without the facts. You should be ashamed.

Before calling poor Homer an icon for Obese America, perhaps you should head to Springfield yourself and see if their food scene stacks up with New Orleans. Or even Orlando.  Here’s a quick primer on how to eat your way through America’s favorite imaginary city.

KRUSTY BURGER
This Bart Simpson favorite not only has the trademark Krusty Burger, but does it one better with the Clogger Burger -  TWO 6 oz. patties plus applewood smoked bacon and cheddar. There’s also a black bean burger,  a ribwich (Krusty’s answer to the dubious McRib) and a Sideshow Bob footlong hot dog, which we’re seriously hoping isn’t some kind of prison joke.

What You’re Getting: The Krusty Burger -  6oz patty with cheddar, secret sauce, iceberg and tomato.

BUMBLEBEE MAN’S TACO TRUCK
Yes, hipsters and foodies, Springfield DOES have a food truck. And yes, it has Korean Beef tacos like whichever one you fawn over back home. But while this Mexi-themed wheeled eatery is more molded after the ones that were doing it before celebrity chefs ruined it for everyone, unlike those trucks they’ve got sanitary meat and fully documented employees.

What You’re Getting: Korean Beef Tacos - Served on corn tortillas with a zesty cucumber and radish topping. They’ve got the traditional carne asada and chicken (served two to an order with chips) but it wouldn’t be a food truck if you weren’t trying some sort of crazy culinary fusion. Wash it down with a 12oz. Bottle of Duff Beer.

CLETUS’ CHICKEN SHACK
This fried chicken joint named after Springfield’s favorite backwater redneck divides up the yardbird and serves you deep friend chicken thumbs (like fingers, but opposable), chicken arms (like wings, but giving you even better imagery of old ladies yelling “Bingo!”) and chicken breast served between a couple of fresh waffles.

What You’re Getting: Chicken and Waffle Sandwich -  Highly recommended topped with maple mayo.

THE FRYING DUTCHMAN
Though it might sound like what a Chinese person would call Norm Van Brocklin, it’s actually Springfield’s (kinda) famous fried fish spot. Though we cannot confirm or deny they’re serving any three-eyed fish, they do have a solid menu full of stuff like coconut crusted shrimp, fresh cod and calamari

What You’re Getting: Basket O’ Bait - Basically the whole menu served in a basket with hush puppies and tater tots and tartar sauce.

LISA’S TEAHOUSE………OF HORRORS!
Because healthy eating and vegetarianism is a pretty horrific thought to your average visitor to Universal Studios, this big refrigerated case at the front of Fast Food Blvd. bears the name of The Simpsons’ annual PG-13 Halloween special, and has Mediterranean Salad, a veggie sandwich, fruit cup, and a bunch of other stuff the vegetarian in your group can use to make everyone else feel like a big, unhealthy fat ass.

What You’re Getting: The Caprese Salad – Fresh cut buffalo mozzarella, tomatoes and balsamic served over romaine.

LUIGI’S
In animated Springfield Luigi’s is an awning-covered, old-school date spot. On Fast Food Blvd. it’s merely a pizza stand. But, if you’re at Universal with kids, the odds of one of them wanting pizza is about as good as the odds of you wishing at some point you hadn’t brought them.  The pizzas are all baked-to-order, so it’s not like the Heat Lamp Pizza Hut Pizza you get at the airport and well worth the stop.

What You’re Getting: The Meat Likers Pizza (because if you love it, why don’t you marry it?) -  It’s loaded with ham, sausage, pepperoni and whole milk mozzarella.

MOE’S TAVERN
In perhaps the most surreal dive bar in the world, you can belly up to the bar, order yourself an $11.75 souvenir 23oz. beer mug, get it refilled all day long with Duff and Duff Light, then sit in offensively bright light while children scamper around you eating Krusty Burgers. The upside: It doesn’t smell like old beer or cigarettes. Though if you’re the kind of person who enjoys dive bars, this might not be an upside.

What You’re Getting: Duff Beer - The lager-style beer similar to Heineken is actually brewed specially for Universal by Florida Brewing Co. out of Melbourne.

DUFF BREWERY
Sadly, there’s no bearded guy in a bowling shirt to take you around to empty aluminum vats and describe in great length how they turn wort into mash into something else you won’t remember because you’re just thinking about getting beer samples. Because unlike other breweries you’ve visited, this isn’t a real brewery. It is, however, a nice lakeside watering hole where you can pound Duff beers and not feel as pathetic as you would sitting at Moe’s. It’s also the only place to get a Squishee, since the Kwik-E-Mart across the street is actually a souvenir store.

What You’re Getting: Duff Light - It tastes a little like PBR, which should surprise absolutely no one who’s familiar with The Simpsons.

FLAMING MOE’S
In other places, this might be a gay bar. In Springfield, it’s just a little juice shack at the end of Fast Food Blvd with a collection of teeth-achingly sweet juices like the Mt. Swartzwelder Apple Drink, Groovy Grove Juice,  and Mr. Teeny. So, actually, also possibly a gay bar.

What You’re Getting: The Flaming Moe - Though it doesn’t have alcohol like the one on TV, it’s still a bubbling, smoking, liquid nitrogen citrus drink that tastes like an orange Otter Pop….....THAT’LL FREEZE YOUR THROAT!!!

LARD LAD DONUTS
In case you missed the cop car parked in front, Lard Lad is easy to spot as it stands tall over Springfield as its most recognizable skyline feature. At the counter you can order all flavors of “D’oh-nuts” plus ice cream sundaes and, if you really hate your arteries, D’oh-nut Sundaes where a pink frosted donut is topped with ice cream Caramel, Hot Fudge, Rainbow Sprinkles, Chocolate Sprinkles, Peanuts, Reese’s Pieces, and Oreo Topping. Hello, Lipitor!

What You’re Getting: The Big Pink - It’s the donut you see homer eating all the time with the pink frosting and sprinkles. And also a diner in South Beach, but we’ll let Myles Chefetz’s lawyers figure that one out.

IF YOU WANNA GO….
Universal Studios is just a short 3-4 hour ride away, and Miami Beach 411 offers a convenient day trip that’ll whisk you there, let you gorge yourself all day, then slip into a food coma on the ride back. Or, if you wanna stay over night, Universal’s offering loads of Florida Resident discounts and packages too, which you can check out right here.

Related Categories: Miami: Travel News, About the Author: Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411. See more articles by Matt Meltzer. See more articles by Matt Meltzer Was This Post Helpful? Please Share It With Others! Tweet

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