Once Again, Everyone Hates Miami. And That’s How We Like It.We were getting a little tired of being nice guys.  After a decade of swagger and bravado made the University of Miami the most hated program in college football, the last ten years of mediocrity had people reconsidering. Not anymore. Since winning our way into America’s disfavor wasn’t going to happen, Nevin Shapiro was nice enough to steer us back on track. Once again, The U is nasty. Once again, The U is dirty, corrupt, out of control and out of line with traditional American values. And that’s just the way we like it. In case you’ve been living under a rock this week, a waste of life Ponzi schemer named Nevin Shapiro has alleged to have bought all sorts of illegal things for University of Miami athletes and coaches. Ranging from dinner at Prime 112 to bottles at Mansion to an abortion. Yep. An abortion. Because that’s how we roll at The U. IF WE’RE NOT OFFENDING YOU, WE’RE NOT MIAMI  And now that all of this has surfaced the media seem to think that this is the first time a booster has given money to athletes. Like there’s not some Bubba pig farmer handing cash to kids at Florida. Or some movie producer taking recruits to The Ivy at USC. But when Miami does it, and does it with all the brazenness we do everything else, people start yelling “Drop the Program!†Why? Because we paid some players? No, that happens all the time. It’s because in Miami, we’re not content to just be crooked. We have to put our spin on it. Instead of cars, players get orgies with prostitutes. Instead of televisions, they get parties on a yacht. With prostitutes. Instead of tickets to major events, they get VIP tables at Mansion. With prostitutes.  As a matter of fact is seems that the only thing Nevin Shapiro did that didn’t involve prostitutes was hand oversized checks to Donna Shalala. And once you involve sex, you’ve immediately alienated and offended half of the good college football-loving people of America. And at Miami, that’s exactly what we love to do.
BRINGING BACK THE 80S, ONE HOOKER AT A TIME  Nevin Shapiro knew that. He grew up in the Miami Beach of the 1980s, saturated with sex and drugs and swagger. He saw those 80s Hurricanes teams and how they flaunted their talents and six-pack abs at opponents. And he knew that those teams mirrored the drug-fueled insanity of the city at that time, and wanted this new generation of Canes to be just as bad. So instead of coyly slipping players an “envelope†at a booster dinner – like the smart boosters at every other school do – Nevin decided to be flashy. Parties, hookers, yachts, abortions, whatever. Let’s not just break NCAA laws. Let’s break real laws. We’re the Canes, baby. We can do whatever we want. But ask any cocaine cowboy who got gunned down in the 1980s: When you try and draw attention to yourself, it’s not always from the right people.  When you’re brashly tossing aside people’s values, they rejoice when your cockiness catches up to you. And that is what’s happening to The U. Were it just TVs and cash, Dick Vitale wouldn’t be calling us a “disgrace.†But because it was trips to high-end strip clubs and hooker parties on yachts, Middle America thinks UM should get the death penalty. Paying Reggie Bush or Cam Newton to come to your school is one thing. Getting pros for the entire 7th Floor Crew is quite another.  And so it is Miami has once again managed to become the dirtiest, most disliked program in the nation without even having to win a game. USC and Ohio State tried, but there’s only one U. Maybe this new “Us against the world†feeling will motivate these new Hurricanes to become the destructive force they were 20 years ago. Or maybe we’ll remain a mediocre program and once we’re off our two years’ probation return to bowl games named after fast food chains. No matter. Nevin Shapiro has done his job. America hates Miami, and all is right with the world.
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9 Comments on"Once Again, Everyone Hates Miami. And That’s How We Like It."
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Blackford Oakes says:
All I got out of this was sugarCANE.
Like not even VT gives a F about UM.
Posted on 08/18/2011 at 7:21 PM