Miami’s Letter to Santa

Dear Santa –

Look, we know we’ve been on the top of your collective “Naughty” list for the last 117 years. And we’re sorry we paved over the Everglades, fix all our elections, and welcome every gun runner, drug smuggler and identity thief in the Western Hemisphere. But Santa, at least we’re not New York, and that really oughta count for something.  So, please Santa, if it’s not too much trouble, here’s what we here in Miami want for Christmas

1. A reopened Alton Road – Because we can’t all have flying reindeer to take us north to south in the Beach, Santa.

2. Taxicabs that take credit cards – Like ACTUALLY take them. Not just a fleet of taxi cabs with unhooked credit card machines that the drivers swear “don’t work,” but will happily drive you to an ATM. With the meter on.

3. A new owner for the Marlins – We’re not asking for a World Series. Just maybe an owner who doesn’t steal.

4. Rosetta Stone – For like, everyone. The English version, please.

5. A Doughnut Shop - Just one, that serves cool stuff like maple bacon and pistachio Doughnuts. We’re tired of driving to Mojo just in time to see them run out.

6. A Metrorail extension to the Beach – You can get to this one right after you bring economic stability to Afghanistan.

7. A new towing company – So when you go to put that lump of coal in Tremont’s stocking, see if you can grab those pictures they have of everyone in Miami Beach City Hall.

8. A playoff spot for the Dolphins – You can’t deny them, the NFL has mandated that the whole team be “Nice.”

9. More sand for the beach – We swear we didn’t realize creating a beach on a marsh barrier island meant the sand wouldn’t be there FOREVER. So just a few thousand metric tons until the Ocean takes the whole island back in 10 years would be great.

10. New Yorkers telling us how great their city/water/public transportation/sewer rats are – Because we want to make sure we get at least ONE thing on this list.

Thanks again, Santa. Once Christmas is over, there’s a cabana waiting for you at the Delano and a VIP table at LIV. Just make sure you pay for parking because we WILL tow that sleigh.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Miami

Related Categories: Miami: Local News, About the Author: Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411. See more articles by Matt Meltzer. See more articles by Matt Meltzer Was This Post Helpful? Please Share It With Others! Tweet

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