What’s New in Our Guide to Miami Strip Clubs and Topless BarsFrom Acrobats to Rib Sandwiches, A Lot Has Changed in the World of Miami Strip Clubs
If you don’t pay attention to your strip clubs in Miami, a guy could get real confused. Since we first put out our comprehensive Guide to Miami Strip Clubs and Topless Bars in 2007, a lot has changed. A LOT. Madonna’s employed a 13 year old and was mercifully shut down for like, 5 minutes until they paid off the right people. Gold Rush remodeled itself, reinvented itself, then got itself torn down and replaced. Tootsie’s opened a sports bar.  And Wonderland opened on Biscayne, officially making MiMo an sorta-ok place to go at night as long as you didn’t walk 2 blocks west. So fresh for 2014, here’s what’s new in Miami Strip Clubs and Topless Bars. And if you wanna get a solid guide to the rest of ‘em, they’re all right here. E11even Gold Rush is gone. Kaput. Dead. What has replaced it is the most unique concept to come to Miami in a long time: The cabaret-strip-dance-gourmet restaurant club that is E11even. Confused? Join the club. First off, E11even never closes. So if you roll in there at 8am on a Tuesday and want to grab a drink, well, nobody other than your conscience is going to stop you. Btu we warned: while the folks at E11even claim they’ll have dancers all day, but this is actually not the case. Fun as it is dancing for the one guy who wanted to go to a strip club at 8 in the morning and drink, most dancers stay off the stage until there’s a decent sized crowd. Friday Happy Hour brings hands-down the most impressive strip club buffet you’ll ever see. Complete with truffle-mushroom gnocci, fresh (really, it’s fresh) Caprese salad, chocolate parfaits, seasoned prime rib and turkey carving stations, and fresh, house-baked foccaccia. Oh, and it’s FREE. Curiously, there also seem to be no actual stage dancers during the Happy Hour Buffet. Probably because they know they’d get completely ignored in favor of the Caprese Salad. If that’s not enough for you, upstairs is Top Chef alum Carla Pellegrino’s gourmet restaurant Touche, that boasts a beautiful view of the city (once the building across the street is torn down) and an equally-beautiful menu. You can even eat there without ever going to the club, but it is still the best restaurant you’ll ever find on the roof of a strip joint. At night, well, it’s whatever you want it to be. Yes, there are topless girls dancing on stages on both sides of the club. There are also acrobats and stage performers doing various sorts of acrobating and stage-y things. And live DJs make it a pseudo-dance club, with talent like George Acosta heading up the main room regularly.  They don’t really do lap dances on the floor, so you’ll have to adjourn to the “private rooms†for those, which range in price from $50 to the thousands. Some of those rooms have iPads, too, where you can order drinks, food from Calra, or the dancer of your choice with the touch of a screen. Ahhh….technology. And about those dancers…the owners were the same folks who rehabbed Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas and have brought out-of-town talent in to open the club. Time will tell whether the overall attractiveness of the dancers stays on the top tier it now occupies. But hopefully that will be the case. What E11even lacks in full nudity it makes up for in its crowd. Sure, it’s still more guys than girls, but E11even has developed a strangely-passionate female following, as they have made themselves possibly the most girl-friendly strip club in history. It is, to our knowledge, the only one in Miami that will let ladies in unescorted, and the club is noticeably young, professional and local. In the few months it’s been open, E11even established itself as a legitimate nightlife venue for our city, but probably not somewhere to go for a night of raunchy nudity.  Stiletto You wouldn’t think of the edge of US-27 near the Miami River in Hialeah as a place you’d go for a strip club that was anything short of miserable. And back when this airport-adjacent spot was Centro Espanol, well, that’s exactly what you would have gotten. Girls with leg tats flanked by child-induced cellulite, glued-down hair, and questionable paperwork. But those days are gone. The folks who opened up Stiletto have given the old airport dive-club a complete overhaul, with brand new lights, sound and décor, and brought in a markedly-improved fleet of dancers. Is it Scarlett’s South? No. But iare these strippers the hottest you’ll find south of the County Line and west of I-95? Yes, for now anyway. The crowd didn’t seem like it had changed a whole lot from when it was Centro, but then again the Hialeah strip club clientele demographic is pretty consistent wherever you go. They’ve got some exceptional champagne room and bottle specials - $100 on Sunday and Monday, and a $50 champagne room when you buy a $100 bottle - and hopefully those last for a while. Most importantly, this will in the very near future be Miami’s only boat-up strip club, which may improve the clientele considerably. No word on whether the strippers will be allowed to come out onto boats, but we don’t see how that could possibly be bad for business. Landing Strip(Resently Formerly Vivid Live)  If a strip club opens in Doral and changes names twice within a year, would anyone notice? You probably heard about the much-ballyhooed opening of Vivid Live in Doral last Fall, when the adult entertainment giants opened a 30,000 square foot megaclub on NW 72nd Ave. And, sure, the first month or so, when they had Vivid entertainers dancing there and football Sundays, were huge. And then, well, then they realized they were in Miami. The porn stars turned into chongas, the crowds went from football fans to, well, guys who’d go watch chongas on poles in Doral. And so now it’s something else. Kinda. It’s still got the 40 plasma TVs for watching sports, 30,000 square feet of “entertaining “area. The Landing Strip - who’s tagline is “A First Class Lounge†- would be more aptly named “The Horrifying Fiery Crash Site†since crashing and burning is exactly what this club is doing. The night we went the valet looked more excited to see our car pull up than he would be if he were on a desert island and we were a Coast Guard cutter. Inside, a few very-bored looking and not-so-attractive dancers kinda moved around on stage for a smattering of customers, who didn’t look any more entertained. Sad, since the space is beautiful, high tech, and relatively clean. But if porn stars can’t get guys to drive to Doral, it’s a longshot that the Landing Strip will. Tootsie’s Cabaret Like that girl who used to run South Beach then forgot to take care of herself, Tootsie’s has gone a little bit downhill. Oh, it’s still a cut above your average bad-neighborhood dive bar with a pole, but some new competitors have taken away Miami’s top stripping talent, and left the venerable Miami Gardens garter palace with some girls you might pay to put their clothes back on.  The night we went we found ourselves face-to-crack with a rear-end that was roughly the size of a bean bag chair. A place one dollar bills went to never be heard from again. It was disturbing. The crowd at Tootsie’s has followed the dancers down the proverbial rabbit hole. Gone are the working guys looking to cut loose on a Friday. In are guys with flat brim hats, gold teeth, and 305 tattoos. And cigarette smoke. Lots of cigarette smoke. On the upside, Tootsie’s does have a sprawling sports bar in the back - Knockers - that if it ever had a crowd would be a pretty cool place. The food is good (a surprisingly delicious spicy fried chicken and bourbon waffles is the highlight) and if you want to watch a game without butts the size of basketballs blocking your view, it’s a great spot. Similarly, they’ve opened an upstairs VIP lounge with an additional cover, which seems to be where all the girls you’d actually want to see naked are dancing. When they’re not back in private rooms with higher-class customers, that is. And those high rollers know the other great thing about the new Tootsies: Getting the “extras†is merely a business negotiation (look no further than the Jonathan Martin-Richie Incognito text exchanges for proof of that). Because when you’re no longer the hottest girl in the club, you gotta do a little more to get attention. The Pink Pony Good news and bad news at the Pink Pony. They’ve redone the interior and it feels a lot less like a Greyhound terminal with a champagne room than it used to. The new bar, lighting and stage make this spot in the middle of the Doral warehouse district almost make you forget you’re in the middle of the Doral warehouse district. The girls aren’t much of an improvement, but then again the Pink Pony was never a destination for the top talent.  Club Lexx Oh, don’t be confused. Nothing has changed at the venerable Club Lexx. You still get patted down to within an inch of a sexual battery claim when you walk in. You still see more gold teeth than you do regular teeth. And it still makes the KOD look downright multicultural. Go ahead. Laugh. Then try the rib sandwich. We guarantee you’ll say to yourself “I’m gonna come back here and go to that rib place during the day.†Zagat even rated it, for chrissakes. Because it is, unequivocally, the best strip club food item in Miami.
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ramona says:
Great article.
Posted on 02/13/2015 at 4:10 AM