The Miami Beach Travel Advisory Nobody Ever Gave You Imagine you are in Miami on vacation and a tall, sexy looking girl comes over. Within five minutes she is all over you, kissing you so hard you think your tongue is gonna get sucked out of your mouth, and grabbing you in places one is not legally allowed to grab. You’ve never met a girl this hot and this forward before. This was the South Beach fantasy you had when you booked that trip six months ago, wasn’t it? Random sex with a girl who is probably out of your league, tall and sexy with a rack that probably cost more than your car. It almost seems too good to be true. But one thing you must learn about this town, if something seems to good to be true, it most certainly is. You see, we have a saying about the women in South Beach: Some of the best looking one’s aren’t. You meant aren’t good looking? No, I mean aren’t women. SHE DIDN’T GET THIS GOOD BY READING COSMO  You think I’m exaggerating? Ok. Say you get this girl back to your hotel and as you go to get down to business and reach into the promised land things seem unusually, shall we say, dry. You try and try and nothing improves until she tells you that this particular bodily function is one she does not have. But she did bring some KY to help it along. How convenient. But if you’re drunk, or on any of the other fine substances you can find in South Beach, I doubt you even give this a passing thought. But you should. Now imagine she starts performing other tricks, and is better at them than anyone you have ever experienced. Wonder how she got so good? Maybe it’s because you have more in common than you think. Trying the back door? Not only is she up for it, but more into it than any girl you’ve ever seen. Yeah, a prostate will do that. This is starting to sound frighteningly familiar to some of you, isn’t it? SOUTH BEACH: THE AMERICAN MECCA FOR POST-OP TRANSEXUALS  I’m not saying that every tall girl with fake boobs who’s good at oral and can’t lubricate is a post-op. But the normal checks that used to denote one don’t apply anymore. At least not in South Beach. In South Beach, our trannies are the best you’ll find anywhere not called “The Philippines.†They take pride in fooling dumb straight guy tourists, and most of them can do it easier than they can pee standing up. Post-op transsexuals, they like sex with tourists just as much as the straight guys, and drunk, horny men on vacation may be the easiest demographic to fool. YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE An Adam’s apple can be removed in an afternoon, and relatively cheaply.  Estrogen treatments can make someone born a man a mezzo soprano if he/she does enough of them. And even the aforementioned breast implants are no longer a dead giveaway, as hormone therapy can often achieve the same effect. Only less obvious. The point is that, in a town where nothing is exactly as it seems, it should be no surprise if your weekend hookup isn’t either. So how do you keep yourself from accidentally having sex with a man? Truth is, you can’t. Even the most seasoned South Beach locals have a hard time telling the difference, and if you’re a drunk tourist in a dark club, it is damn near impossible. My advice is to just not worry about it, since if in your mind the girl was a girl, there’s no need to spend years in therapy to get over it. But if you’re reading this, and it sounds eerily familiar, and the story happened somewhere in South Florida, there’s a good chance you had a homosexual experience and didn’t even know it. Enjoy the rest of your week.
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7 Comments on"The Miami Beach Travel Advisory Nobody Ever Gave You"
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Jamie says:
This was an awesome read. I think I peed a little from laughing so hard. “But one thing you must learn about this town, if something seems to good to be true, it most motherfuckingly is.” - Priceless
“But if you’re reading this, and it sounds eerily familiar, and the story happened somewhere in South Florida, there’s a good chance you had a homosexual experience and didn’t even know it. Enjoy the rest of your week.” - Even more priceless. Great work Matt.
Posted on 03/10/2009 at 1:21 PM