University of Miami Real Talk: 17 Things They Won't Tell You on the Tour

You're A Long Way From Home, And Even Further From Animal House

Congratulations! You’ve decided to come to the University of Miami. And while I’m sure you’re counting the days until you can send weekday beach drinking pictures to your friends huddling inside back at Freezing State College, it’s not all sand and sunshine when you come to The U. Yeah, we’ve got bigtime sports, a Greek System, and America’s best party city right in our backyard, but just like its hometown this school is unlike any other in the country.

So as a service to you, the incoming UM student, here’s 17 things you oughta know before hanging up that Scarface poster.

1. The kids are rich – Oh, your parents are lawyers? That’s cute. That Ecuadorian kid next to you’s parents own a DIAMOND MINE.
2. You’re going to need a car – A fact that will become painfully apparent the first Saturday you and your dorm floor decide you’ll take public transportation to South Beach and don’t get there until Sunday.
3. The Greek System isn’t big – Sure, we have fraternities and sororities. We also have a knitting club.
4. Going out costs money – For what your friends at Big State U spend on a night out, in South Beach you’ll get half a slice of pizza and parking.
5. Lake Osceola isn’t for swimming – If you took a superfund site and filled it with water dredged from the LA River, it would be considered a cleanup.
6. It’s a car show – The only place you’ll see more Maseratis per square foot is the valet line in Monte Carlo. Oil money can do some amazing things.
7. The food’s pretty good – For a month. Then the excitement of being able to get 6 different types of stir-fry kinda wears off.
8. People don’t go to the football games – You know what sounds like an awesome Saturday to someone who was 7 the last time UM won a National Championship? Anything but driving 45 minutes to watch a noon game against something called Bethune-Cookman.
9. FLL Airport isn’t close – And there’s a train that goes right from campus to MIA. So tell your friends coming to crash for Ultra you’re not driving an hour each way so they can save $37 on Spirit.
10. The Chinese kids don’t raise the curve – Having one in a group project will be almost as disappointing as going to the football games.
11. The football stadium sells hard liquor – Just remember that alcohol dehydrates you. So do 94 degree temperatures and 87% humidity. So spending your last $16 on a Jack and Coke at halftime is about the best way to ensure the game goes into triple overtime.
12. The campus is now completely nonsmoking – In other news, applications from China and Saudi Arabia dropped 85%.
13. The Coconut Grove Metrorail stop is nowhere near where you’re going in Coconut Grove – Unless you’re going there to buy crack.
14. Don’t go to the gym between 3-10 p.m. – Unless your idea of working out involves watching a girl in full makeup detail her entire weekend to her friends back in Great Neck during a 45-minute “power walk” on the treadmill you’re waiting for.
15. Budget time to get from your car to class – If you thought a parking pass meant you had an actual parking space in the same ZIP code as your classroom, you probably should be going to Florida State.
16. Your degree is incredibly valuable – As long as you plan to stay in Miami. People in the rest of the country will assume you went to classes at LIV.
17. Miami is in no way, shape or form like your hometown – UM is a bubble. If you plan on ever leaving campus, or God forbid staying here after graduation, read this.

Editor’s Note: Originally published August 25, 2013. Updated in 2026 with new photography; Matt Meltzer’s original writing remains unchanged.